Monday, September 29, 2008

Sour Potential

Spring is coming, the lemon tree is covered in buds and quite often bugs.

Its peaceful and warm and I am starting to be happy here and maybe more settled.

There suddenly feels like there is possibility, but theres still a nagging doubt in the back of my mind.

I dont want to stay here but the longer I stay.....

I dont know where I fit.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

moths. no butterflies

bobo got me a pack of macro lenses, so i tried them the other day.  i
know i should have used a tripod or at least a stack of books to steady
the camera, since that's what you're supposed to do, right?  but
sometimes i have a hard time being careful and precise, so i just shot
away before i got distracted.

the moth was on the sill: mustard-yellow, with it's legs curled up;
beautiful even in death.  but every time i went to click the shutter,
it would come into focus for a second, then snap shut with a blur in
one place or another, or all over. 

this is how our limbo-life feels right now -- i want to do and see and
try so much, but only manage a little bit at a time; i try to take
care, but can't truly commit, or immerse myself completely.  some days
are quiet, quiet, quiet and i don't want to speak a word, and others are
filled with chattering anxiety about polar bears and elephants and the
man we saw on the street today, homeless and drunk with a beer in one
hand, a can of dog food in the other and nothing else.

anyway, the moth on the sill.  it's still there, days later, lifeless
and lovely all at once.  and so it follows that i'm mostly good and also not, all at once --
like you were a week or two ago.  it seems that i get especially maudlin when it
comes to moths and swimming pools and grandparents as babies.  and the london zoo three lifetimes ago.

here's the antidote that i'm imagining right now:  that we are on our
atoll in the pacific, drinking tequila, bellowing old mexican songs (aaaaaaaaiii aii ai, canta no llores!) and shooting our pistols up into the night sky.

what do you say?

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

There and here, lost and found

Two places I love with a passion with the knowledge that one day I will be torn between the two and having to decide on one forever.

I have a profound and acute sense of loss today, of time passed and childhood on the brink of ending, of the feelings of such deep love that it makes your heart ache and your head explode and tears flow so freely.

Of friendships and friends that are no longer alive. Good friends whom I miss so much. and should never have died so young. Theres so many things I want to share with them now and thank them for, because I'd have been in a very different place if it wasn't for them.

I'm not sad, I just ache.

Sometimes its good to cry.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

learning to swim

not me, a five-year old friend. 

i don't really know how to swim, beyond doggie-paddling and something that could be called a breast stroke, although 'breast clutch' is probably a more apt descriptor.

learning to swim is on my list of to-dos before i die: take a long trip with no itinerary or final destination; read frog and toad to my child; swim in the ocean without fear or panicked breath. 

there are lots more. tell me yours.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

I have to admit, I didnt take this photograph, its one of Alistairs, but it feels smells like spring is coming and I want to start swimming outside again.

Spring is coming

walking over the Anzac Bridge